I know you’ve been patient, so let’s get to the chase (catch up on this series by reading this and this first):

How’d it go?
Tryouts went well! I was still dealing with a lingering cough from whatever I’ve had for the past two weeks and my left quad muscle was acting up again but I’m very grateful for a thing called, “adrenaline.”

Did you make it through all the cuts?
I did, in fact, get to finish the tryout. I don’t know exactly how many women tried out but it looked to be close to 100; 32 women moved on to the scrimmage portion of tryouts. I was on the black team and it felt like, for me, a dream team line up.

When will you find out if you made it?
There is still another tryout in Seattle, Washington on Aug. 12 so we’re all waiting until after that to hear more. That’s all I know.

What was it like?
It was like interviewing for my dream job. In my adult life, I’ve never had a dream job and I can’t really say I aspire to pursue a “real” career either. I’ve always just had a passion for skating but until I got involved with roller derby, I never really thought I could take it anywhere. It really hit me on the day of tryouts that roller derby IS real life and I was were I was supposed to be at that point in time.

Tryouts felt a lot like practicing with a highly-skilled league you’ve never practiced with before; Similar to the time I was invited to attend a Gotham Girls All-Star practice at their crash pad in October of 2011. Everything we did at that practice was performed at a very high-intensity, with strong movements, and with a sense of urgency. Tryouts might not have been as physically exhausting as that one practice with Gotham, but it was still challenging and intense.

Were any of the drills weird or new to you?
Hahaha, yes and I’m sure it was pretty obvious to the coaches that I had no idea what I was doing at the beginning of the drill. Not too far into the drill, I figured it out and felt like I was able to successfully execute the skill they were asking us to perform. Thank goodness!

What part were you most comfortable with?
I was most comfortable with a lot of my stops — my right side hockey stops in particular. I didn’t even know what those were until Polly Gone (formerly Gotham Girls Roller Derby, currently Texas Rollergirls) came to our league several years ago, and when she demonstrated her hockey stops, I think we were all a little blown away.

Least?
Oddly enough, my left side hockey stops. They are not as strong as my right side hockey stops!

Give us an anecdote or two
I’ve been a long time admirer of Shenita Stetcher who skates for the Philly Roller Girls and we share the same number (305) so on the day of tryouts we were all split up into colors (red, white or black) and numbers (1, 2 or 3). Shenita and I were both white, 1. It didn’t end up being problematic, but I thought it was funny.

Spry forgot her gear bag at the hotel and had to drive back to get it but it was okay because we were first in line. An hour and 15 minutes early.

How did you feel going into the tryout?
Really focused. I was not nervous at all (which surprised me). I was excited to be there and was really moved to see that I’d be up against some really outstanding talent.

How did you feel leaving it?
I wanted to cry. Ha! I turned off a lot of emotions to able to get into such a focused zone for tryouts and when it was over my brain was flooded with emotion. I felt entirely overwhelmed and a little anxious after the scrimmage. I also felt a lot of pride for myself and my teammate, Spry. We have a lot to bring back to Maine now.

Any regrets?
Yes and no. I’m naturally a very introverted person and although derby has helped me become more outgoing and less shy, because of how I was feeling after tryouts, I didn’t get to thank the people I wanted to thank for that experience. Trust me, I will be e-mailing those people all day to make up for it though..

Otherwise, I don’t regret anything. I pushed myself at tryouts, I did my best to follow directions, I partnered with women I rarely get the chance to work with, I listened, I communicated, I learned, I had a blast.

If you knew what you knew now, what would you have done differently?
In preparation for tryouts, I would have practiced that one drill I had never tried before.

I also would have approached my training a tad differently in regards to my jamming. I’m fairly confident I know now what I can do to improve in the areas that need improvement, whereas before tryouts, I wasn’t really sure how I could accomplish those goals. I was so focused on getting my blocking up to par, that I didn’t think too much on how to modify my jamming technique for today’s derby.

How will it change your goals?
I now see myself mapping out more specific goals, with some time frames. I could be training more often. I’ve learned a lot about time management since beginning roller derby. The more I read about how Olympic and elite athletes train, the more evident it is that I need to be doing more.

How did this change how you think of yourself as a skater?
This “derby thing” is not something I can play down as just a hobby anymore.

No?
It’s taken me time to come to terms with the fact that I’m aggressively pursuing something I’m passionate about, and in the past this would have scared me into not trying to reach a goal in fear of failure. I’d like to think I’ve grown up a bit and am comfortable embracing failure as failure is a great teacher. I am more, “professional” about it now. I’m kind of a goofy person who doesn’t take things too seriously and skating has always been something to do because it’s fun; training is fun, playing roller derby is fun, but I’m serious about it too. I’ve gained a new confidence and I’ve always had a strong work ethic, but it’s taken me a while to realize that how far I want to take this is the same thing as how far I think I can take this.

Anything else you want people to know?
Because the tryouts were such an amazing learning experience, I plan to re-tryout again in August at the Seattle tryouts.

The commitment I made to pursue any derby opportunity that came my way in 2013 is still something I’m passionately dedicated to, and thanks to the fundraising opportunities and all of the support I’ve received to pursue my dreams, I have the means to do this.

In addition to the tryouts being a wonderful learning experience, I feel like I could have done better. Yes, I attempted my best, but I learned so dang much. I want to take what I learned, train even harder for the next month and illustrate that I can be better. I’m insanely lucky to be afforded this opportunity again and I realize that. I couldn’t have this chance without help. Seattle, baby!

Over here at The Dashboard, we’re eagerly waiting to hear about Grim’s tryout (spoiler: she did well). Until then, I’ll tell you about my recent derby vacation:

One week. No skates. … Sounds like torture.

Since Feb. 2, 2011, I’ve taken these “breaks” from skating:
-10-day trip to Europe (no skates)
-31-day trip around the United States (skated about once per week, rink and derby)
-Six-day trip to Maui (skated one practice, skated one bout)
-Last week (no skates)

Not skating while in Europe was torture. Same with the U.S. road trip, but I did get to guest skate along the way. The hard part about that trip was knowing I was losing fitness, but was about to have a transfer into Rose City tryout — which would demand all the fitness I had. I went to Maui for derby, so, that was painless.

This year, my home team took a break after early June and won’t be back until fall. Travel team announced a break for last week.

Initially, I was upset and wanted to (defiantly) skate through it. This was quickly overshadowed by the joy of extra hours with my SO, a weekend camping and not rushing from work to the convenience store (for a Powerbar) to practice three days a week.

Lesson: It was nice. It was really nice. I could take another week.

And I went back to practice last night ready (well, mostly ready. I was late because traffic was terrible coming back from the ocean), refreshed and not any worse for it. Probably better, as we all need to rest our bodies sometimes.

Here is what my schedule is when home teams (HT) and travel team (TT) are both on:

SUN — (TT) 1 hour off-skates + 1 hour endurance skate + 1 hour drills
MON — (HT) 1 hour off-skates
TUE — (HT) 1 hour strategy talk + 2 hours drills
WED — (HT/TT) 1 hour scrimmage with HT + 1 hour scrimmage with TT
THU — (TT) 1 hour off-skates + 2 hours drills
FRI — Free*.
SAT — Free. (Optional league scrimmage)

= 12 mandatory hours.

Yeah, a break every now and then is necessary.

To be honest, with such a rigorous load I was losing a little steam in the last few weeks. It’s summer and I’ve been working really hard for months (you saw that schedule, right?). Now I feel rejuvenated and ready to put my body and mind back to work and prepare for some pretty exciting bouts. Wise move coaches, wise move.

The travel team I’m on will play Windy City, Kansas City and Rat City in August. Super pumped.

*Some weeks I’m expected to fit another hour of off-skates in there for home team =13 total/week.

One exciting thing I haven’t mentioned is that I got pulled up to the travel team. It’s a huge honor.

With this change comes entirely new challenges. Oh, wait: No it doesn’t. It brings back the exact same challenges. As they say: Derby never gets easier, you just get better.

After scrimmage night this week (two one-hour scrimmages) I had a hard time sleeping. I kept waking up after having nightmares about not staying with my walls. I jolted up thinking about a track cut I got called on. Reliving my mistakes in my dreams.

I can think of times this happened to me in my equestrian career, in my journalism career (I almost fell off my bed once over a superfluous comma), in my friendships and now my derby career.

This happens — to me at least — all the f-ing time. I sometimes let regret or my mistakes eat me alive.

You know what’s really hard? Playing roller derby while you’re letting your regret eat you alive. Derby is hard enough without beating yourself up about things you can no longer control.

I know by talking to other skaters that you do this too. Especially you (98 percent of you) perfectionists (I’m reading a book that asked, “oh, you’re a perfectionist? What exactly are you perfect at.” Blam.). So I thought I’d list off how I work through it:

1. Read this article on jamnesia which focuses on forgiving yourself between jams.

2. That was the old you.
Every day I try to tell myself “I am on an upward trajectory and this is my starting point.” Whatever happened last scrimmage is what I learned from; not who I am. Today is the day I show who I am.

3. Without failing, you can’t learn
No matter who you are, you are learning to play roller derby. You are growing. You are allowed to fail. To fail means you tried something hard. Therefore, you are brave. Be proud of yourself.

4. Decide you will learn from it
If you’re beating yourself up about a mistake (not staying with your wall), maybe use that “beating yourself up” energy toward goal-setting instead. It’s not “I suck at this” it’s “next scrimmage my goal is to stay with my wall, no matter what.”

5. Talk it out
I think a lot of beating yourself up comes from a few things: harsh self-speak,ego/shame. By telling a friend, “I did not do a very good job at (sticking my my wall/whatever) tonight. It’s something I’m working on” it — for me anyway — takes away some of the shame and ego around the issue.

Often when I admit my faults to my teammates, they offer helpful advice and offer some more uplifting comments. Like, when I was still on fresh meat, I told someone, “ugh. I got two multi-players in that game. I have to work on that.” She said, “yeah, but you pulled your arms away at the exact right time about two dozen other moments in that game.” She also told me her strategies for not getting called for that penalty. She helped put it in perspective for me and made me feel good and less ashamed.

There are no secrets in derby. If you think you’re not doing a good job at something, there is no shame in voicing it and letting it off your chest. Your teammates are there to help you improve.

6. What you’re doing is unhealthy, unhelpful
Understand that beating yourself up for a track cut is unhealthy. Know it doesn’t make you a better skater (how many times have you seen a jammer get angry at herself for getting a penalty? She beats herself up in the penalty box and then she goes on the track with a full head of steam, and what happens? She goes right back to the box.). Making (achievable, ambitious) goals and finding ways to achieve them do make you a better skater.

7. Forgive yourself
For me, I actually whisper it out loud to myself, sometimes in a practice. I say, “I’m going to forgive myself for that one.” And then I try my best to learn from it and let it go.

We all talk to ourselves in our minds all the time. Why is it so easy for us to be kind to other skaters who are learning, but not ourselves? I don’t know, but I try to use that by sometimes trying to dissociate. I pretend that in-my-head Dash is teaching on-skates Dash to skate. I try to talk to myself like I’m teaching this girl to play derby and she is trying her best. Is it crazy? Yes. Does it work? For me, yes.
You have enough blockers trying to beat you up on the track to also beat yourself up.

Please, add your coping mechanisms in the comments.