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I know you’ve been patient, so let’s get to the chase (catch up on this series by reading this and this first):
How’d it go?
Tryouts went well! I was still dealing with a lingering cough from whatever I’ve had for the past two weeks and my left quad muscle was acting up again but I’m very grateful for a thing called, “adrenaline.”
Did you make it through all the cuts?
I did, in fact, get to finish the tryout. I don’t know exactly how many women tried out but it looked to be close to 100; 32 women moved on to the scrimmage portion of tryouts. I was on the black team and it felt like, for me, a dream team line up.
When will you find out if you made it?
There is still another tryout in Seattle, Washington on Aug. 12 so we’re all waiting until after that to hear more. That’s all I know.
What was it like?
It was like interviewing for my dream job. In my adult life, I’ve never had a dream job and I can’t really say I aspire to pursue a “real” career either. I’ve always just had a passion for skating but until I got involved with roller derby, I never really thought I could take it anywhere. It really hit me on the day of tryouts that roller derby IS real life and I was were I was supposed to be at that point in time.
Tryouts felt a lot like practicing with a highly-skilled league you’ve never practiced with before; Similar to the time I was invited to attend a Gotham Girls All-Star practice at their crash pad in October of 2011. Everything we did at that practice was performed at a very high-intensity, with strong movements, and with a sense of urgency. Tryouts might not have been as physically exhausting as that one practice with Gotham, but it was still challenging and intense.
Were any of the drills weird or new to you?
Hahaha, yes and I’m sure it was pretty obvious to the coaches that I had no idea what I was doing at the beginning of the drill. Not too far into the drill, I figured it out and felt like I was able to successfully execute the skill they were asking us to perform. Thank goodness!
What part were you most comfortable with?
I was most comfortable with a lot of my stops — my right side hockey stops in particular. I didn’t even know what those were until Polly Gone (formerly Gotham Girls Roller Derby, currently Texas Rollergirls) came to our league several years ago, and when she demonstrated her hockey stops, I think we were all a little blown away.
Least?
Oddly enough, my left side hockey stops. They are not as strong as my right side hockey stops!
Give us an anecdote or two
I’ve been a long time admirer of Shenita Stetcher who skates for the Philly Roller Girls and we share the same number (305) so on the day of tryouts we were all split up into colors (red, white or black) and numbers (1, 2 or 3). Shenita and I were both white, 1. It didn’t end up being problematic, but I thought it was funny.
Spry forgot her gear bag at the hotel and had to drive back to get it but it was okay because we were first in line. An hour and 15 minutes early.
How did you feel going into the tryout?
Really focused. I was not nervous at all (which surprised me). I was excited to be there and was really moved to see that I’d be up against some really outstanding talent.
How did you feel leaving it?
I wanted to cry. Ha! I turned off a lot of emotions to able to get into such a focused zone for tryouts and when it was over my brain was flooded with emotion. I felt entirely overwhelmed and a little anxious after the scrimmage. I also felt a lot of pride for myself and my teammate, Spry. We have a lot to bring back to Maine now.
Any regrets?
Yes and no. I’m naturally a very introverted person and although derby has helped me become more outgoing and less shy, because of how I was feeling after tryouts, I didn’t get to thank the people I wanted to thank for that experience. Trust me, I will be e-mailing those people all day to make up for it though..
Otherwise, I don’t regret anything. I pushed myself at tryouts, I did my best to follow directions, I partnered with women I rarely get the chance to work with, I listened, I communicated, I learned, I had a blast.
If you knew what you knew now, what would you have done differently?
In preparation for tryouts, I would have practiced that one drill I had never tried before.
I also would have approached my training a tad differently in regards to my jamming. I’m fairly confident I know now what I can do to improve in the areas that need improvement, whereas before tryouts, I wasn’t really sure how I could accomplish those goals. I was so focused on getting my blocking up to par, that I didn’t think too much on how to modify my jamming technique for today’s derby.
How will it change your goals?
I now see myself mapping out more specific goals, with some time frames. I could be training more often. I’ve learned a lot about time management since beginning roller derby. The more I read about how Olympic and elite athletes train, the more evident it is that I need to be doing more.
How did this change how you think of yourself as a skater?
This “derby thing” is not something I can play down as just a hobby anymore.
No?
It’s taken me time to come to terms with the fact that I’m aggressively pursuing something I’m passionate about, and in the past this would have scared me into not trying to reach a goal in fear of failure. I’d like to think I’ve grown up a bit and am comfortable embracing failure as failure is a great teacher. I am more, “professional” about it now. I’m kind of a goofy person who doesn’t take things too seriously and skating has always been something to do because it’s fun; training is fun, playing roller derby is fun, but I’m serious about it too. I’ve gained a new confidence and I’ve always had a strong work ethic, but it’s taken me a while to realize that how far I want to take this is the same thing as how far I think I can take this.
Anything else you want people to know?
Because the tryouts were such an amazing learning experience, I plan to re-tryout again in August at the Seattle tryouts.
The commitment I made to pursue any derby opportunity that came my way in 2013 is still something I’m passionately dedicated to, and thanks to the fundraising opportunities and all of the support I’ve received to pursue my dreams, I have the means to do this.
In addition to the tryouts being a wonderful learning experience, I feel like I could have done better. Yes, I attempted my best, but I learned so dang much. I want to take what I learned, train even harder for the next month and illustrate that I can be better. I’m insanely lucky to be afforded this opportunity again and I realize that. I couldn’t have this chance without help. Seattle, baby!
Over here at The Dashboard, we’re eagerly waiting to hear about Grim’s tryout (spoiler: she did well). Until then, I’ll tell you about my recent derby vacation:
One week. No skates. … Sounds like torture.
Since Feb. 2, 2011, I’ve taken these “breaks” from skating:
-10-day trip to Europe (no skates)
-31-day trip around the United States (skated about once per week, rink and derby)
-Six-day trip to Maui (skated one practice, skated one bout)
-Last week (no skates)
Not skating while in Europe was torture. Same with the U.S. road trip, but I did get to guest skate along the way. The hard part about that trip was knowing I was losing fitness, but was about to have a transfer into Rose City tryout — which would demand all the fitness I had. I went to Maui for derby, so, that was painless.
This year, my home team took a break after early June and won’t be back until fall. Travel team announced a break for last week.
Initially, I was upset and wanted to (defiantly) skate through it. This was quickly overshadowed by the joy of extra hours with my SO, a weekend camping and not rushing from work to the convenience store (for a Powerbar) to practice three days a week.
Lesson: It was nice. It was really nice. I could take another week.
And I went back to practice last night ready (well, mostly ready. I was late because traffic was terrible coming back from the ocean), refreshed and not any worse for it. Probably better, as we all need to rest our bodies sometimes.
Here is what my schedule is when home teams (HT) and travel team (TT) are both on:
To be honest, with such a rigorous load I was losing a little steam in the last few weeks. It’s summer and I’ve been working really hard for months (you saw that schedule, right?). Now I feel rejuvenated and ready to put my body and mind back to work and prepare for some pretty exciting bouts. Wise move coaches, wise move.
The travel team I’m on will play Windy City, Kansas City and Rat City in August. Super pumped.
*Some weeks I’m expected to fit another hour of off-skates in there for home team =13 total/week.
In less than a week some of the best roller derby skaters in the East will try out for Team USA. Which means it’s time to catch up with Maine Roller Derby skater Grim D. Mise (read this first.), who I’m following through the tryout. The plan is to chat with her the day before the tryout, the day after and once she hears the results.
Here’s Grim:
I last talked with you in Mid-May. What’s changed since then?
I have new muscles in strange places.
Which places?
…
With one week left, what’s the plan for training?
Rest! Well, kind of. I’m still skating, I’m still Crossfitting, but the intensity is a lot lower. I’ve put my body through a lot over the last few months and what it really needs now is a chance to rest before the big day. I’ve also been extremely sick for a week and I’m only just now recovering from whatever virus I had. For the 2-3 days leading up to tryouts, I plan to continue with light cardio but I’ll mostly be stretching and foam rolling religiously.
What Grim calls “rest.” Photo by CrossFit Vindicta
How are you preparing mentally?
Visualization is one of my favorite tools of mental training. I think about roller derby pretty much non-stop and I often joke to my leaguemates about how when driving home, I get carried away with visualizing doing awesome and amazing things on the track and I constantly drive past my road. It happens at least once a week.
Most recently at the Northeast Derby Convention in May, I was invited to participate in an all-star scrimmage as part of, “Team Smarty.” Yes, that Smarty. It was a tremendously fun and helpful experience to be able to have before the Team USA tryouts. Skating with/against skaters of that caliber quickly exposed all of my weaknesses, and some that weren’t very apparent to me. One of the biggest being, self-doubt. Until that scrimmage, I honestly thought I was as confident as I could get on skates and I firmly believed I had a fairly solid mental game. NOPE. Turns out I had some work to do.
At North East Derby Convention. Photo by Joe Medolo.
So I entered a Pin-Up girl contest at Northeast Chop Shop in Windham, Maine. What? I know. There’s logic to this decision, I promise. Basically, I had to figure out what filled me up with so much anxiety and doubt. I can list all the reasons here, take up a page or two doing so, or I can narrow it way down and simply say that I had to figure out how to get comfortable being uncomfortable, and being a contestant in a pin-up contest was a situation I was highly uncomfortable being in. Entering that contest was an opportunity to learn how to deal with my mental hang ups. My goal for the contest was to make it through without crying or throwing up. If I could do that, I would have felt successful. So what happened?
Photo credit: Mad Stork
I told myself to have fun. I took home first place, some sweet prizes, and a SATIN SASH! I made some friends too (one of whom plans to try out for Maine Roller Derby in the Fall!). Focusing on having fun took off so much pressure that I was finally able to feel comfortable. Sometimes a situation calls for unconventional methods. This one certainly worked out better than I had imagined it would.
Are you going with anyone else from Maine?
Yes! My super ultra hyper amazing teammate, Spry Icicle (you know, the one who actually scored points against Gotham that one time we scrimmaged them?) is trying out as well. She’s MRD’s head of training and she’s swell.
Do you have any pre-derby rituals you know you’ll do?
This is a ritual both Spry and I share, but yes, we listen to music and paint our nails. For myself, there are two constants to this ritual: Metal and sparkles. Otherwise, I eat what I feel like eating and I might watch my favorite motivational video once or twice. I might also hula hoop.
Are you going to do anything else while you’re down there? Anything derby?
We are going down to Pennsylvania early to watch all the outstanding derby at the East Coast Derby Extravaganza. I’m going to be working the Turn Two Skate Shop table for most of the weekend while at the event, but I’ll be sure to catch as much of the action as possible.
Are there any skaters you’re hoping to see at the tryout?
Yes! Aside from obviously being excited to share the track with current Team USA skaters, some of my Rogue-mates (my banked track team, “Team Rogue”) will be there and a few of the Boston ladies are trying out as well. Also, and I hope her plan wasn’t to fly under the radar and then blow everyone’s mind away the day of tryouts, but Buster Skulls will be there and she’s got a killer shot to make the team.
You’re the jammer on the line for Team USA and you get to pick your four blockers. Who are they?
I’m pretty sure I may have suffered a slight brain aneurysm thinking about how to answer this but I’d love to see this blocking line up: Slaydie, Smarty Pants, Sassy, Bonnie Thunders.
Anything else you want people to know?
I mostly just want people to know how grateful and endlessly appreciative I am for all the support they’ve given me. I’m so lucky to have friends and family like I do. It feels really good to have a whole state behind me and that feeling is something I plan to tap into during tryouts. Rock Coast Rollers, Central Maine Roller Derby, Bangor Derby, Maine Roller Derby, Derby Lite: Portland, Maine and New Hampshire Roller Derby (I know you’re not a Maine league NH, but you gals continue to inspire us Mainiacs and you’re always genuinely supportive) — THANK YOU!
Lastly, (here’s where it gets a little mushy) my fiance has been one of my biggest supporters since we met almost three years ago. I decided to stop drinking in preparation for Team USA tryouts and AJ joined me. He’s a huge source of strength when I need it most and without his loving encouragement and support, I’d be lost.
Barf! Grim and soon-to-be Mr. Grim (or TUGBOAT). Photo by Kissy Kicks. (JK on the barfing. Sorta.)
Rose’s home team championship last weekend were NOT blowout games. Photo by Alan Cook.
Too many blowouts. That’s what I heard this morning on a derby Facebook group. They were discussing a game from this weekend with a score of 611-115. People then started debating the new rule set, power jams, etc etc.
So I wondered: Is it that bad? Is this happening regularly? Enough to be a concern?
I took all the scores DNN has up from this past weekend and I calculated the score difference, by percentage. And now I’m making up a totally subjective ranking system.
A game with a score of 100-101 is THE FUNNEST game (101% score differential)
100-120 is a great game (120%)
100-140 is a good game (140%)
100-200 is sort of lame (200%)
100-400 is boring* (400%)
Anything worse than 100-401 is a super boring blowout and sort of makes you question if the winners are douchebags**.
By my rankings, how did this weekend go in roller derby? Pretty good. Of the 43 games played, 26 (60%) would have been fun to see. Only 8 (18%) were total blowouts (400%+).
Here they are (Format is: % differential, team and score, team and score):
THE FUNNEST:
101% Hammer City Hamilton Harlots 191-Glass City Killer Bs 192
GREAT GAME:
103% Ventura County 186-Junction City 192
105% Team United Blue Ribbon Bruisers 123-No Coast Road Warriors 117
106% DoomsDames 113-Ho-Bots 120
114% Chautauqua County 191-Central NY Wonder Brawlers 218
120% Ventura County 159-Wasatch Bonneville Bone Crushers 132
Good game:
122% Holy Rollers 27-Hellcats 33
124% Chicago Outfit 185 – Blue Ridge 149
126% Green Mountain 129-Assault City 102
127% Your Mom 200-NYSE 157
130% Jacksonville River City Rat Pack 125-Gainesville 163
130% Oakland Outlaws 213-Richmond Wrecking Belles 164
132% Monterey Bay 163-Santa Cruz Harbor Hellcats 215
133% Detroit 147-Ohio 196
137% San Francisco ShEvil Dead 263-Berkeley Resistance 192
144% Black Widows 174-Switchblade Sisters 121
144% Team United 123-No Coast 177
152% Nutcrackers 270-Wicked Pissahs 178
156% Cape Fear Black Harrts 124 -Carolina Bootleggers 194
166% Nashville 246-Tallahassee 148
172% Burning River 149-Queen City 256
174% PPDD All Stars 138-Capital Punishers 240
178% OK Victory Dolls 221-Duke City 124
185% Ithaca 194-Central NY 105
187% Chicago Outfit Shade Brigade 193-McClean County 103
187% Finger Lakes 232-Broome County 124
Sort of lame:
201% Arkham Horrors 118-Cosmonaughties 237
231% Pikes Peak 136-Santa Cruz 314
247% West Texas 96-Oklahoma City 237
252% Cape Fear 265-Mason-Dixon 105
260% Detroit 285-Cincinnati 109
289% Manhattan Mayhem 91-Queens of Pain 262
289% Detroit Motor City 76-Ohio Gang Green 220
306% Hammer City 245-Glass City 80
310% Oly 304-Jet City 98
You’re boring me:
(No one)
Blowout:
419% Inland Empire 104-Angel City Rocket Queens 436
436% Twin City 397-Circle City 91
451% Sin City 80-Angel City 361
488% Tallahassee Jailbreak Betties 93-Nashville Music City Brawl Stars 454
659% Ft Myers 46-Tampa 303
873% Twin City Plan B 428 -Circle City Party Crashers 49
1350% Dixie 351-Tragic City All Stars 26
1423% Victoria 370-South island 26
All scores are from Derby News Network. I didn’t pick and choose — there are men’s games here, home teams, etc.
Also, I don’t have time (right now) to do this for this weekend last year, but upon initial glance, it looks exactly the same at this year. There are some really close games and a few wide spreads (Actually, there may have been more blow outs this weekend last year. I’ll try to find some time and update this with last year’s stats if I find an hour or two.). Which leads me to believe it’s not so much a rule’s change …
*Disclaimer: Boring roller derby is still roller derby and derby ain’t boring. **Sad, true.
We know how Gotham sizes up to Windy City on the flat track, but what about at the bank?
By digging through (publicly available) tax documents, I tried to stack some of the top leagues against each other to see how they match up. (Make your bets now)
Here are some overall observations I had after spending hours weeding through the numbers (which are from 2011 — the last available data. Things may have changed since then.):
-Few leagues are 501c3s
What frustrated me most was how little data is publicly available on this. Only about 50 leagues in the nation have ever filed 990s (nonprofit tax forms). Of those, 28* sound like WFTDA leagues. The others are juniors, renegade and rec leagues. Many of the 28 are leagues you’ve never heard of (Oh hey, Cowboy Capital Rollergirls.) Only about seven division one WFDTA leagues filed these forms in 2011.
-Most of the top leagues are profitable
Start with some good news: Six of the eight leagues I looked at were profitable — some were very profitable, earning 116 percent of what they spent in a year.
-We don’t get grants
Of the leagues I looked at, one of them got a grant and it was for about $4,000. That’s not enough. Together, these same eight leagues brought in about $2.4 million in one year. That means that 0.16% of these nonprofits’ revenues were from grants. That’s embarrassing, frankly. It’s likely because of these leagues, only one had a paid employee (the same league that got the grant). Grant writing is a lot of work for a volunteer, which might be the reason the community got so few in 2011.
-We don’t invest
There were some really cute budget lines of “investments.” One said that a league invested $12 and earned $2 on that investment in 2011 — I have just got to assume that they bought a few extra rolls of tape and that tape prices then went up. But seriously: With assets into the $325,000 range — why is the derby community not investing this money? Most finance-types would tell you that savings account interest doesn’t even keep up with inflation nowadays. We’re losing money by stashing it.
-There is no standard
The goal of this post is to show the derby community how some leagues do it. I chose the top-ranked leagues because, by the nature of it, they are typically older leagues and likely more profitable. What I found is some leagues spend a lot of their funds to support their travel team. Others use it to put on huge bouts for their home teams. Some fundraise a ton, others don’t list any money under “fundraising.” We know this sport is young and growing and I think few leagues would tell you they know the “right” way to support the sport. But I would wager the diversity here is massive. I would suspect if you took eight non-derby nonprofits that were in the same trade, their 990s would look similar to each other. Not so much here. Everyone is doing their own thing.
-Workshops can be fruitful
The best example of this, by far, is Rocky Mountain Rollergirls. Here are their impressive** stats:
-Junior derby programs cost them $4,743 but brought in $12,250 (+$7,507).
-Their bootcamps cost them $4,678 to run and brought in $39,305 (+$34,627!).
Grand total is more than $42,000 of bank. Other leagues also found workshops, rec leagues and other training opportunities lucrative, to lesser extents.
-Gotham doesn’t have the highest rent/mortgage
This surprised me, anyway. Windy and Bay Area pay more, it seems.
-WFTDA is (seemingly***) doing great.
With earnings of more than $400,000 in a year, the WFTDA seems to be healthy. I’m glad it’s now offering me free TV.
A note before we get started: The data I have is limited. For one thing, I can only compare 501c3 nonprofits, so although I hoped to compare the top 12 ranked leagues, some of them are not nonprofits (Oly, Rat, Angel and Minnesota). Also, different leagues fill out the forms in different ways, so some leagues separate every item down to how many t-shirts they sold (Gotham), and some leagues just lump all revenues together (Bay Area). Leagues like Rose keep their junior and rec programs under their one league, but leagues like Texas created separate nonprofits for those programs. Because of all of these huge discrepancies, we can only draw wide inferences from what these numbers mean. But it’s fun. So here it is:
So, who earned the most?
I’d say WFTDA, with $411,032. But, as for leagues:
Rose City Rollers $77,490
Windy City Rollers $73,857
Texas Rollergirls $28,121
Gotham Girls Roller Derby $2,896
Denver Roller Dolls $657
B.ay A.rea D.erby Girls -$3,024****
Rocky Mountain Rollergirls -$17,060
Who spent the most?
Rose City Rollers $490,271
Denver Roller Dolls $367,769
Windy City Rollers $361,262
Gotham Girls Roller Derby $341,859
WFTDA $285,653
Rocky Mountain Rollergirls $246,502
Texas Rollergirls $115,871
B.ay A.rea D.erby Girls $29,740
Rent:
Windy City Rollers $161,898
B.ay A.rea D.erby Girls $137,102
Gotham Girls Roller Derby $121,640
Rose City Rollers $62,690
Rocky Mountain Rollergirls $61,056
Denver Roller Dolls $33,000
Texas Rollergirls $18,090
Dues taken in:
Rose City Rollers $71,002
B.ay A.rea D.erby Girls $61,233
Denver Roller Dolls $53,164
Windy City Rollers $43,668
WFTDA $38,750
Gotham Girls Roller Derby $35,920
Texas Rollergirls $11,782
Travel costs:
WFTDA $50,177
Windy City Rollers $46,097
Texas Rollergirls $38,109
B.ay A.rea D.erby Girls $35,000 (approximate)
Rocky Mountain Rollergirls $31,733
Gotham Girls Roller Derby $23,051
Rose City Rollers $20,627
Most volunteers:
WFTDA 1,300
Rocky Mountain Rollergirls 150
Rose City Rollers 150
Gotham Girls Roller Derby 100
Texas Rollergirls 100
Windy City Rollers 100
A snip of my spreadsheet.
*WTF **Although Rocky Mountain KILLED IT with those workshops, they were in the hole more than anyone that year. I’ve requested an interview with the league and so far they have been busy and need more time to get me the information on why their fundraisers were so successful and how they still ended up in the hole. If/when they reply, I’ll add the info. ***That’s not an ominous “seemingly” I just don’t have last year’s data or this year’s data to confirm. ****Bay Area was in the red because of expensive venue rental for their bouts, according to the league’s finance director. Also, they were robbed at gun point that year. Bay Area’s accountant filed the league’s 990 a bit differently than other leagues; for instance, their rent is more than $100,000 but they only list their total overall expenses in the $20,000 range. General note: Sometimes I say I examined seven leagues, sometimes eight because Philly’s data from 2009 was useful, but they haven’t filed 990s since then. I asked them if they are still a 501c3 and they are.
I wrote a while ago abut the Northeast Derby Convention. Now a bunch of my old leaguemates and fellow New Englanders are going. Here are some tips on how to get the most from it:
1. Make goals
Write them down before the conference. Write down the goals of the people in your carpool so you can talk about them on the way home later.
2. Plan it out
Know where to be, when and what you need (notebook, pen, gear, sneakers…).
3. Give it your whole brain
Pretty obvious, but hard in practice. Being totally present for a three-day weekend is hard. It’s difficult to dedicate as much to the first drill of the first session as it is to the last of the last day. Know you paid a lot of money to improve your skill set and be entirely in it.
The other side of this is that your body won’t master every skill you will learn in a weekend. It just won’t. But if your brain understands the intricacies of each drill (and you write them down), you can save it for later when you have a couple hours at practice back at home. That’s your time to perfect what you learn in a whirlwind weekend.
4. Write shit down
You will forget all the awesome drills you learned unless you write them down. Even if you’re not the league secretary, write it down. Here is what you should write:
-The drill itself, including pictures that help you remember how it is set up (I like to draw them like messy comics, so I can see how a drill progresses from start to finish). Also include the goals of the drill … ie: “This is for the jammer to learn to take offense.”
-Any notes on form, especially for hitting.
-Notes about what things you found challenging, what you did well (I found notes from last year that said “you found it especially helpful to jump out of this” etc. and it helped me remember the drill.) Personalizing it makes it memorable.
-Anything you find inspiring that the coaches say. If you lead practices for your league, take notes on the coaching styles you find especially helpful.
-People’s emails. Especially people you admire and want to learn more from.
5. Play well with others
This is your chance to play with people who are not on your team. They will challenge you in new ways. Be nice and do your best.
6. Save the drinking* for Tuesday
If you are at a conference for social reasons, go for it. Drink the weekend away. If you paid all that money to get better at roller derby, you’re going to be better prepared to give each drill your all if you got good food, good sleep and maybe only one G&T.
7. BUT BE SOCIAL
Talk with others. People from other leagues have a lot of knowledge that you don’t have. Chat up coaches. It’s awesome to have derby friends all over the country/world. And go out! Just don’t go out until 3 a.m. if you have an 8 a.m. session.
8. Decompress
As much as you want to give your all to everything, you will need time to reflect, relax and rejuvenate. Make the time when you’re not in drills/sessions to keep yourself balanced and peaceful.
One exciting thing I haven’t mentioned is that I got pulled up to the travel team. It’s a huge honor.
I am U (deep, huh?). Photo by Frank Lavelle Photography.
With this change comes entirely new challenges. Oh, wait: No it doesn’t. It brings back the exact same challenges. As they say: Derby never gets easier, you just get better.
After scrimmage night this week (two one-hour scrimmages) I had a hard time sleeping. I kept waking up after having nightmares about not staying with my walls. I jolted up thinking about a track cut I got called on. Reliving my mistakes in my dreams.
I can think of times this happened to me in my equestrian career, in my journalism career (I almost fell off my bed once over a superfluous comma), in my friendships and now my derby career.
This happens — to me at least — all the f-ing time. I sometimes let regret or my mistakes eat me alive.
You know what’s really hard? Playing roller derby while you’re letting your regret eat you alive. Derby is hard enough without beating yourself up about things you can no longer control.
I know by talking to other skaters that you do this too. Especially you (98 percent of you) perfectionists (I’m reading a book that asked, “oh, you’re a perfectionist? What exactly are you perfect at.” Blam.). So I thought I’d list off how I work through it:
She forgave my for low blocking the heck out of her. So I went to the box and worked on forgiving myself too. Why waste energy in the penalty box reliving the bad? That doesn’t make you a better athlete. Visualizing how awesome you’ll be next time make you a better athlete. Photo by Photos by Jolene.
2. That was the old you.
Every day I try to tell myself “I am on an upward trajectory and this is my starting point.” Whatever happened last scrimmage is what I learned from; not who I am. Today is the day I show who I am.
3.Without failing, you can’t learn No matter who you are, you are learning to play roller derby. You are growing. You are allowed to fail. To fail means you tried something hard. Therefore, you are brave. Be proud of yourself.
4.Decide you will learn from it If you’re beating yourself up about a mistake (not staying with your wall), maybe use that “beating yourself up” energy toward goal-setting instead. It’s not “I suck at this” it’s “next scrimmage my goal is to stay with my wall, no matter what.”
5.Talk it out I think a lot of beating yourself up comes from a few things: harsh self-speak,ego/shame. By telling a friend, “I did not do a very good job at (sticking my my wall/whatever) tonight. It’s something I’m working on” it — for me anyway — takes away some of the shame and ego around the issue.
Often when I admit my faults to my teammates, they offer helpful advice and offer some more uplifting comments. Like, when I was still on fresh meat, I told someone, “ugh. I got two multi-players in that game. I have to work on that.” She said, “yeah, but you pulled your arms away at the exact right time about two dozen other moments in that game.” She also told me her strategies for not getting called for that penalty. She helped put it in perspective for me and made me feel good and less ashamed.
There are no secrets in derby. If you think you’re not doing a good job at something, there is no shame in voicing it and letting it off your chest. Your teammates are there to help you improve.
6. What you’re doing is unhealthy, unhelpful
Understand that beating yourself up for a track cut is unhealthy. Know it doesn’t make you a better skater (how many times have you seen a jammer get angry at herself for getting a penalty? She beats herself up in the penalty box and then she goes on the track with a full head of steam, and what happens? She goes right back to the box.). Making (achievable, ambitious) goals and finding ways to achieve them do make you a better skater.
Last summer I entered a skate competition and they put my in the “children under 4-feet-tall” division, based on skill. I tried my best, and ultimately gave myself permission to suck. Because it’s OK to suck at things you’re still learning. Photo by Dawn Reese.
7. Forgive yourself
For me, I actually whisper it out loud to myself, sometimes in a practice. I say, “I’m going to forgive myself for that one.” And then I try my best to learn from it and let it go.
We all talk to ourselves in our minds all the time. Why is it so easy for us to be kind to other skaters who are learning, but not ourselves? I don’t know, but I try to use that by sometimes trying to dissociate. I pretend that in-my-head Dash is teaching on-skates Dash to skate. I try to talk to myself like I’m teaching this girl to play derby and she is trying her best. Is it crazy? Yes. Does it work? For me, yes.
You have enough blockers trying to beat you up on the track to also beat yourself up.
Please, add your coping mechanisms in the comments.
The Dashboard 